Tyre swings are sooo last season. This swing is made of an antique door. Image via goop
If I was going to buy a celebrity’s flat, I would buy Gwyneth Paltrow’s. Not only because it’s beautiful and sophisticated, but because I get the feeling she’s the kind of person to have it deep cleaned regularly.
And the good news is, Gwyneth’s been trying to sell her Tribeca apartment since March and has recently dropped the asking price from $14.25 million to $12.85 million. What a bargain.
When I heard about the price drop, my head was immediately full of dreams of what I would do living in a flat like that. I’d come home from work everyday, take off my shoes and deposit them in a plastic baggy before going inside. I’d order the necessary custom-made sheets for my ridiculously huge bed and sleep like a starfish, taking up every square inch.
My friends would compliment the swing chair, and I’d say “Oh, that old thing? It’s made of an antique door from India, darling. And those are silk pillows, you know.” Ah, that’s the life for me.
But then I did the math.
With my current salary and even with interest rates as low as they are, I could afford to borrow a little less than 1/35th of the price of that apartment. Still, that won’t stop me – there’s more than one way to skin a cat.
For instance, I think Gwyneth and I could probably come up with some kind of payment plan.
It’s a 370 square metre apartment, which means if Gwyneth was willing to divvy it up and sell the space off in lots, I could own around 11 square metres of it. That may not seem like much, but I’ve lived in studio apartments smaller, and making a little bit stretch to a lot is kind of my thing.
So I’ll take 2sq/m of bed space and 1sq/m of the swing. Moving into the kitchen, I’ll have another 2sq/m of the “intense”, “strong” and “sensual” white marble countertop.
Actually, make that 3sq/m and throw in the sink.
I’d also better have 2sq/m of the bathroom for practical reasons, and the other 3sq/m I’ll use to plot a course through the Ye Olde English style foyer so I can walk from my bedroom to my countertop without trespassing in the rest of Gwyneth’s apartment.
She can even sell off the other 359 square metres in the same way. I don’t mind having neighbours.
I think it’s quite an elegant solution, myself. What do you think my chances are?