Having insurance is a key part of being a Real Adult. Life insurance, home insurance, renters insurance, car insurance – these are all good things to have once you start setting up your life.
But if you really want to get your official Adult Licence and prove to everyone in your life how responsible you are, then you need to get serious. And to guide you through this perilous time, I’ve narrowed it down to the top 7 insurances that will protect yourself from life’s real dangers.
1. Love insurance
Did you find the love of your life this Valentine’s Day? Know they’re the one for you? Well, in China (and, fingers crossed, coming soon to Australia) you can take out love insurance. There’s nothing worse than being young, in love and broke, which is why this insurance provides a nice big payout in the form of diamonds or roses if you and bae tie the knot within a certain timeframe. But remember, if you break up, you get a big fat bag of nothing.
One insurer offering the policy said*, “Honestly, nothing is more romantic than insurance policies and marriage deadlines.”
2. Cold feet insurance
If you’re a little more sceptical about the power of true and lasting love but are either a) getting married anyway, b) paying for someone else to get married or c) taking part in a certain reality TV show where you’re marrying a complete stranger, then you can take out a Cold Feet Insurance policy. It’ll cover the cost of the bride or groom doing a runner on the big day.
“Does true love exist?” said* the insurer behind the idea. “We’re not sure. There aren’t enough data points. I mean, my wife left me and I’m a catch. Why would she do that unless the idea of love is a fundamentally flawed concept? Good luck finding a better deal than all this, Sharon [gesturing lewdly to himself].”
Legend says the idea was born after Jennifer Wilbanks bailed on her wedding and faked her own kidnapping. Classic.
3. UFO abduction insurance
If you choose only one insurance policy from this list, I 100% recommend this one, as would Mulder, I’m sure.
The idea originated in Florida, because of course it did. Optional extras include cover for alien pregnancy, alien examinations and death caused by aliens, but remember that you’ll have to prove your abduction (up to and including a lie detector test and having a third party witness, who cannot be a cow) to get the $10,000,000 pay out.
“Don’t leave Earth… without it,” quips** the tagline.
4. Body part insurance
This one’s not so unusual – after all, everyone knows Regina George’s hair is insured for $10,000.
It’s popular among celebrities, which is all the endorsement I need. Plus it protects important cultural icons, like Tom Jones’ chest fur, Jlo’s booty and all of Daniel Craig.
“Why insure your whole self when you can just insure the best bits?” said* one insurer. “For example, I’ve insured my left eyebrow, because it looks great all the time. But I wouldn’t waste the money on the right one – it doesn’t pull its weight.”
5. Immaculate conception insurance
Ok, this one is now technically defunct thanks to a bunch of party-poopers complaining, but I think if you went to see the legends at Lloyd’s of London, they’d be able to hook you up.
This can be traced back to three Scottish sisters, who were so concerned that they may one day give birth to the second coming of Jesus Christ that they insured themselves to cover the costs. Usually, that’s what child support is for, but apparently the rules are different when a paternity test is patently out of the question.
6. Werewolf/vampire attack insurance
Getting mugged in Thailand, coming home to find your house washed away by a flood or getting rear-ended in a parking lot are all scary and valid reasons to have insurance. Know what’s scarier? Werewolves.
Lloyd’s of London is often quoted as the source for policies against attacks by supernatural and/or undead beings, but that’s a claim they dispute.
“Myth has it that 60,000 people have taken out policies just in case they’re turned into a vampire or a werewolf. The Twilight series has a lot to answer for,” they said**.
7. Ghost insurance
Who you gonna call? The 24/7 insurance helpline, that’s who. If things in your house are a little bit spooky, you can insure yourself to cover damages, and also, if you happen to own a pub or other public establishment, to cover ghost-induced death or injury for your customers. Cheery.
“Look, ghosts are just super scary ok?” an insurer told* us from beneath his doona. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
In case you’re wondering, ghosts need to be covered separately to vampires and werewolves, because the latter policy provides protection against becoming a supernatural creature, whereas ghost insurance is just about a restless spirit tossing stuff around your bedroom and blowing light bulbs.
*They didn’t say this.
**They really did say this.
Got something else you absolutely, 100% need to be insured for? Let me know what it is in the comments.