You know how everyone has that one Aunt who drinks a bottle of wine after dinner every night and justifies it by saying that studies have shown that moderate alcohol intake is good for you?
Well, there are two problems with that, Aunty Cheryl:
- “Moderate” actually means one small glass of red wine. Not sucking down an entire bottle of chardy through a crazy straw, and
- It’s all a big fat fib.
That’s right. Turns out scientists have been botching those studies for literal decades now and forgetting about the most important scientific rule of all: nothing fun is ever good for you.
A recent Massey University study using data from 2,908 older New Zealanders has corrected that mistake and found that alcohol actually isn’t good for you, but being rich totally is.
Trust New Zealanders to ruin it for everyone.
The buzzkill researchers said that “Our findings offer little support for a health-protective effect of moderate drinking. Instead, they suggest that older adults’ health and the amount they drink mainly reflect wealth and socioeconomic status.”
Basically that means that well off people who can afford good healthcare, are educated, go jogging and enjoy the occasional glass of moderately priced wine are more healthy than those of us who are scraping to make ends meet and enjoy the occasional chipped mug of goon. Go figure.
Previous studies overlooked the fact that socio economic factors could have such a massive impact on a person’s health, which, ok, I don’t want to sound critical, but seems like a big oversight for people who claim to be scientific researchers.
Also, the new study mentioned that scientists are still looking for a “plausible mechanism” that would make alcohol good for you. Which means even though we’re stuck with these lame researchers who don’t want us to enjoy an evening libation, there are still some scientists out there working for the greater good, ready to give us an excuse to chug all the rosé we can get our hands on.
But in the meantime, here are the rules. Good for you = jogging, yachting, tying a pastel sweater around your shoulders, kale, seeing a doctor before the only choice is amputation, going to uni and just generally having disposable income.
Bad for you = TV, TV dinners, overdue bills, stress about overdue bills, low paying retail jobs and alcohol, even in moderation. Boo.